Christmas Eve

I'm really glad Cole's in bed. He didn't take a nap at daycare today and at about 6:30 tonight he turned into a monster. A really BIG monster. Threats of being shunned by Santa didn't really help either.

Eddy's parents came over tonight so we could exchange gifts and spend some time together (Eddy's dad has to work tomorrow). Eddy & I got fleece sheets! I can't wait to go to bed!

My birthday was on the 17th. When I woke up that morning I was devastated that I couldn't talk to my dad. The first birthday ever where I couldn't hear his voice. The feeling lasted throughout the day and has trickled into Christmas as well. My heart just aches when I think of him being gone. My dad's passing has also brought along some anxiety about my own death, and the possible death of anyone else in my life. People can go so quickly and unexpectedly. Recently I've heard of so many tragedies, I feel disheartened, sad, and scared about how very delicate the state of living really is. I don't know if it is my personal tragedies, getting older, or what, but I've never been worried about all this before. I just try to remind myself to take the responsibility for what I can control in terms of my mortality and try to accept that often there is no controlling mortality.

Christmas is just different this year. I am grateful to be with Eddy & the kids, grateful to have such a loving and caring family, and I enjoy watching my kids get soooo excited. But it's just not the same. I think it will probably never be the same. I also feel guilty for not being with my mom this time of year, although she seems to be doing pretty well.

So 2010 it almost is. What will the year bring? Marriage, maybe a pregnancy, a new home, a possible relocation, and ???

I'm just trying very hard to take it one day at a time and appreciate all the wonderful things that I enjoy living for. Bad will happen, but so will good.

Please stay...

Dad passed away 3am on Wed Nov 4th. My sister is a nurse. She is so calm and comfortable around medical things. I am so thankful that she was here. She slept by dad's hospital bed on Monday and Tuesday night. I woke up about 2:50am on Tuesday to go pee. After, I went out to the living room where Dad & Ang were. Ang told me she didn't think Dad would last very long. I held his hand for a moment and then went back to bed. 10 minutes later she came and told me she thought he had died. We both returned, he was gone. I can't tell you how bad I wanted to scream out his name. He'd always been there when I cried out for him before. Standing sturdy, waiting to hear what I needed, how he could fix something. There was this irrational part of me that wanted to believe that crying out for him would wake him, bring him back, make him well. It was so crushing when I realized how irrational of a thought that was.

Dad was always very protective of his "high tech gadgets". I asked before I did anything on his computer. I put together a slideshow of pictures for his party. There were several file folders created and transferred to a flash drive. I was so worried I was going to make him crabby.

I drove Ang to the airport tonight. On the way back I was listening to "The Song of the Moment" (off to the right of this page). It is a beautiful song, and I so felt what it was saying. I distinctly remembered driving him to chemotherapy the last time I was here. I had my hand on his skinny leg and let a rush of sadness sweep over me, wishing yet simultaneously accepting that I wasn't going to be able to wish him healthy. Tonight I looked over to that passenger seat and touched the seat and started to cry.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. When I cry, I swear it physically hurts. When I look at my mom, my heart breaks all over again. She is mourning and devastated. I truly am lucky to be able to say that my parents loved each other; adored and admired each other.

My dad is amazing. He has a giving, loving, heart. Honestly, I'm refusing to speak about him in past-tense. I question if that is a bit of denial. Or maybe it's because he'll never, ever, truly be gone.

My Dad

Things have truly taken a turn for the worse with my dad. He has fluids in his lungs, around his heart, and is having a very difficult time breathing. They have started him on oxygen. Given how rapidly his condition has worsened, and the symptoms he is now exhibiting, he will probably die within 10 days. My memories and times with my father are wonderful. I am a lucky girl to have had such a wonderful dad. This is all very painful, heartbreaking. But I remind myself constantly that it hurts so bad, it sucks so bad, only because he has been such a joy to have as my father, such a wonderful man, and such a true person. If he had not been, this wouldn't hurt, so this pain is reflective of how very much he means to me, how very strong of a loving influence he has been on me. So it hurts excruciatingly, but his love and his presence in my life make all of this pain completely worthwhile. I cannot think of a point at which it would hurt more than having my dad be my dad was worth. I love him, and I am so thankful to have him as my dad.

Silly little mountains

You know those little "to-dos" that you just don't want to do? They turn into mountains but in reality are just little mole hills. They take 5 minutes or less to handle. Mine were calling my health insurance about my auto accident that the doctor's office should have billed to Allstate but didn't, filling out my Income Based Repayment forms for my student loan, cancelling my ID theft protection after the free 30 day trial, etc. Why do I worry about this crap and prolong and put it off? I think I've pin pointed what I hate about it. I hate the "press 1 for this, 2 for that", scripted conversations, cordial his, how are yous, have a great day, blah, blah. I just want a damned webform and a fast reply. If I didn't have friends and family and work, I think I could easily fall into the life of a hermit. With an internet connection. I think Eddy would be okay with that too, maybe we could be a hermit-ish family.

Anyway, my mountains have been climbed, and now I'm off to the post office to mail the IBR forms to my loan servicer. Doing it certified this time because last time they "never received" my paperwork.

Happy Monday all!

Smiling BIG

My dad has started enjoying and eating more food thanks to the discontinuation of chemo! Apparently chemo really messes with your ability to taste and it gave him painful mouth sores. All better. I can't wait to get there and start fattening him up!

Also with a change in pain meds, he is feeling a lot less pain and is up and about more, awake more, and enjoying more of life.

This is the BEST news I've had in a long while!

Today was almost 70 and tomorrow should be similar. We took the kids to the park to play and ride their respective bike/skateboard. Walked hand-in-hand with Eddy and talked about nothing important. I enjoyed and appreciated every moment. I sure love my family.

I should hear about the Wells job by Wednesday, and I'm excited to be able to know what is going on in the next month or so.

Have you noticed my new "Song of the Moment" off to the right on this page? Check it. I've been changing it pretty regularly to whatevs I happen to be liking/feeling/connecting with at the moment.

so enraged.

If you are touchy about party bias, just change the title of this vid to "Stewart blasts those who opposed Franken's anti-rape legislation".

I'm ashamed to live under the representation of any person who thinks that these private companies that the US Govt pays (with our tax dollars), have the right to deny any HUMAN being's ability to attain justice when they are brutally attacked, physically pained, emotionally damaged, and forever left with trauma and fear.
For fuck's sake.

If you are also unfortunately represented by Senators Crapo and Risch here in Idaho, please join me in contacting them.

I will be asking them about how their opinion would change if the victim in the sample case was a daughter or a granddaughter.

As a human, a woman, an American, I refuse to apathetically shake my head when my "representatives" condone tax dollars being given to companies who so blatently deny basic human rights.

Thankfully, the bill passed 68 to 30.
 
If there are people that think that stopping this ammendment is what is necessary to defend capitalism, to save it... should socialism really be the political poster child of evil? Nope, I'm pretty sure that forcible, violent, gang-rape, and the defense of those who conceal, destroy evidence, and deny rights to victims in the name of free-enterprise and greed is what is truly evil.
 
Whew.

Sad brain morning

This morning I'm just feeling sad. On the verge of tears since I woke up. For one specific reason, no. I think it is just being overwhelmed by all of the things that are weighing on my mind and heart.

I think most that know me well know that I am diagnosed bipolar. A little different than the typical, in the sense that my manic phases are very productive, but my mental state is irritable, overwhelmed, and frantic. The depressed phases consist of sleeping and crying and avoiding everything. A lot. Maybe 9-10 months back or so my doctor and I changed the dose of one of my medications and eliminated one for the purpose of seeing how I would fair if Eddy & I decided to try for a baby in the future. We wanted to give as much time as needed to see if this was even feasible. Since then, those thoughts have taken a back burner to the current situations that are my life. Despite this, the medication changes have been wonderful. I don't struggle to stay awake on the weekends and I can enjoy life a little more. The irritability and frantic-ness are a tiny bit more frequent, but I feel that those are more easily dealt with than the depression. Hell, the house is almost always very clean!

 For years now, I've been trying to understand my illness that I tend to view (incorrectly, I know) as a weakness. In my worst stages of this illness, I would give up. I wouldn't even try to keep my head above water, and I would give in to the depression, forcing my responsibilities and worries on someone lucky enough to love me and care. One of my really good friends told me once (in a caring manner) that it was time to put on my "big girl panties" (in regard to what situation, I can't remember). That single statement has been very helpful. I've realized life is not easy, and especially challenging with my illness, but I am a mother, fiance, daughter, etc., and I don't have the option of giving up. I have people in my life that I want to help and love, not hinder and with every single teensy bit of motivation and determination in my body I have done very well in holding myself and my life together. That doesn't mean that it's been easy and I guess this morning is just one of those days that I am struggling to hold it together. I would like nothing more than to give in to the struggle and lay in bed all day and sleep and cry during bathroom breaks and eating and then sleep again.

But. I don't want to be the martyr, the weak one, or the one that everyone worries about. Giving in will lower my self-esteem, erase some of my proud moments of determination. I just can't let it happen. I don't want Elaina to come home from school and see me like that. I want to be strong for her, I need her to know that I will be strong and stable for her always. I don't want Eddy to come home and worry about me and have to take care of everything. I love what we have, I love the give and take we share. I'm not going to just take. I want to play with Coley tonight after work, read him stories, and talk about his day. I want to be his constant, one of his pieces of life that is predictable and always warm. To be able to feel sad, cry, and then continue on with my day is somewhat foreign to me. Or maybe the best way to put it is that I'm not a pro at it yet.

I think of all of the difficult times ahead and I panic inside. I wonder exactly how strong I am and how much weakness is okay? By having children, I accepted that I was going to be their mother. They only have one childhood, only one mother. I try hard for them. Actually, I struggle for them. And for me. Because I know what I don't want to be because I've been what I don't want to be. I know what type of mother I want my kids to have, what type of partner I want to be for Eddy, and the kind of daughter that gives all she can to very deserving and loving parents.