And life goes on...

I can't BELIEVE I will wake up to February tomorrow. Just a couple days and four months until the wedding. Still so much to do.

I still wake up everyday, alive, and have no dad to call. I've just started thinking about what I would tell him if I could speak with him. I imagine somehow maybe he can hear me.

Religiously schooled, I have never been. My dad was agnostic, my mom a childhood Mormon. I've always maintained an agnostic outlook. I just don't know, and I don't feel that there is anything out there that comes close to convincing me of any theory on life, afterlife, and the meaning of life. Honestly, thinking of the human race as delicately mortal, no more capable of living beyond death than a spider I squashed on my bathroom wall, is pretty depressing. So daydreaming that there is something beyond is pleasant. And I wish I felt hope in the sense of it actually happening was a possibility. But I feel hope more in the sense of wishing. And imagining seeing him again feels similarly unreachable as fantasizing about winning huge in the lottery.

I'm coming to realize that a day will not pass that I do not think of him. Most days I cry for him. Some days it's all I can think of, and other days a pleasant memory reminds me of him and brings a tearful smile to my face.

I was reading through my blog tonight, feeling neglectful and realized that I wrote so much about my dad and his illness and how therapeutic it was for me. I've not written much since. I think I will try to make a conscious effort to do so, because it really does help.

Christmas Eve

I'm really glad Cole's in bed. He didn't take a nap at daycare today and at about 6:30 tonight he turned into a monster. A really BIG monster. Threats of being shunned by Santa didn't really help either.

Eddy's parents came over tonight so we could exchange gifts and spend some time together (Eddy's dad has to work tomorrow). Eddy & I got fleece sheets! I can't wait to go to bed!

My birthday was on the 17th. When I woke up that morning I was devastated that I couldn't talk to my dad. The first birthday ever where I couldn't hear his voice. The feeling lasted throughout the day and has trickled into Christmas as well. My heart just aches when I think of him being gone. My dad's passing has also brought along some anxiety about my own death, and the possible death of anyone else in my life. People can go so quickly and unexpectedly. Recently I've heard of so many tragedies, I feel disheartened, sad, and scared about how very delicate the state of living really is. I don't know if it is my personal tragedies, getting older, or what, but I've never been worried about all this before. I just try to remind myself to take the responsibility for what I can control in terms of my mortality and try to accept that often there is no controlling mortality.

Christmas is just different this year. I am grateful to be with Eddy & the kids, grateful to have such a loving and caring family, and I enjoy watching my kids get soooo excited. But it's just not the same. I think it will probably never be the same. I also feel guilty for not being with my mom this time of year, although she seems to be doing pretty well.

So 2010 it almost is. What will the year bring? Marriage, maybe a pregnancy, a new home, a possible relocation, and ???

I'm just trying very hard to take it one day at a time and appreciate all the wonderful things that I enjoy living for. Bad will happen, but so will good.

Please stay...

Dad passed away 3am on Wed Nov 4th. My sister is a nurse. She is so calm and comfortable around medical things. I am so thankful that she was here. She slept by dad's hospital bed on Monday and Tuesday night. I woke up about 2:50am on Tuesday to go pee. After, I went out to the living room where Dad & Ang were. Ang told me she didn't think Dad would last very long. I held his hand for a moment and then went back to bed. 10 minutes later she came and told me she thought he had died. We both returned, he was gone. I can't tell you how bad I wanted to scream out his name. He'd always been there when I cried out for him before. Standing sturdy, waiting to hear what I needed, how he could fix something. There was this irrational part of me that wanted to believe that crying out for him would wake him, bring him back, make him well. It was so crushing when I realized how irrational of a thought that was.

Dad was always very protective of his "high tech gadgets". I asked before I did anything on his computer. I put together a slideshow of pictures for his party. There were several file folders created and transferred to a flash drive. I was so worried I was going to make him crabby.

I drove Ang to the airport tonight. On the way back I was listening to "The Song of the Moment" (off to the right of this page). It is a beautiful song, and I so felt what it was saying. I distinctly remembered driving him to chemotherapy the last time I was here. I had my hand on his skinny leg and let a rush of sadness sweep over me, wishing yet simultaneously accepting that I wasn't going to be able to wish him healthy. Tonight I looked over to that passenger seat and touched the seat and started to cry.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. When I cry, I swear it physically hurts. When I look at my mom, my heart breaks all over again. She is mourning and devastated. I truly am lucky to be able to say that my parents loved each other; adored and admired each other.

My dad is amazing. He has a giving, loving, heart. Honestly, I'm refusing to speak about him in past-tense. I question if that is a bit of denial. Or maybe it's because he'll never, ever, truly be gone.

My Dad

Things have truly taken a turn for the worse with my dad. He has fluids in his lungs, around his heart, and is having a very difficult time breathing. They have started him on oxygen. Given how rapidly his condition has worsened, and the symptoms he is now exhibiting, he will probably die within 10 days. My memories and times with my father are wonderful. I am a lucky girl to have had such a wonderful dad. This is all very painful, heartbreaking. But I remind myself constantly that it hurts so bad, it sucks so bad, only because he has been such a joy to have as my father, such a wonderful man, and such a true person. If he had not been, this wouldn't hurt, so this pain is reflective of how very much he means to me, how very strong of a loving influence he has been on me. So it hurts excruciatingly, but his love and his presence in my life make all of this pain completely worthwhile. I cannot think of a point at which it would hurt more than having my dad be my dad was worth. I love him, and I am so thankful to have him as my dad.

Silly little mountains

You know those little "to-dos" that you just don't want to do? They turn into mountains but in reality are just little mole hills. They take 5 minutes or less to handle. Mine were calling my health insurance about my auto accident that the doctor's office should have billed to Allstate but didn't, filling out my Income Based Repayment forms for my student loan, cancelling my ID theft protection after the free 30 day trial, etc. Why do I worry about this crap and prolong and put it off? I think I've pin pointed what I hate about it. I hate the "press 1 for this, 2 for that", scripted conversations, cordial his, how are yous, have a great day, blah, blah. I just want a damned webform and a fast reply. If I didn't have friends and family and work, I think I could easily fall into the life of a hermit. With an internet connection. I think Eddy would be okay with that too, maybe we could be a hermit-ish family.

Anyway, my mountains have been climbed, and now I'm off to the post office to mail the IBR forms to my loan servicer. Doing it certified this time because last time they "never received" my paperwork.

Happy Monday all!

Smiling BIG

My dad has started enjoying and eating more food thanks to the discontinuation of chemo! Apparently chemo really messes with your ability to taste and it gave him painful mouth sores. All better. I can't wait to get there and start fattening him up!

Also with a change in pain meds, he is feeling a lot less pain and is up and about more, awake more, and enjoying more of life.

This is the BEST news I've had in a long while!

Today was almost 70 and tomorrow should be similar. We took the kids to the park to play and ride their respective bike/skateboard. Walked hand-in-hand with Eddy and talked about nothing important. I enjoyed and appreciated every moment. I sure love my family.

I should hear about the Wells job by Wednesday, and I'm excited to be able to know what is going on in the next month or so.

Have you noticed my new "Song of the Moment" off to the right on this page? Check it. I've been changing it pretty regularly to whatevs I happen to be liking/feeling/connecting with at the moment.

so enraged.

If you are touchy about party bias, just change the title of this vid to "Stewart blasts those who opposed Franken's anti-rape legislation".

I'm ashamed to live under the representation of any person who thinks that these private companies that the US Govt pays (with our tax dollars), have the right to deny any HUMAN being's ability to attain justice when they are brutally attacked, physically pained, emotionally damaged, and forever left with trauma and fear.
For fuck's sake.

If you are also unfortunately represented by Senators Crapo and Risch here in Idaho, please join me in contacting them.

I will be asking them about how their opinion would change if the victim in the sample case was a daughter or a granddaughter.

As a human, a woman, an American, I refuse to apathetically shake my head when my "representatives" condone tax dollars being given to companies who so blatently deny basic human rights.

Thankfully, the bill passed 68 to 30.
 
If there are people that think that stopping this ammendment is what is necessary to defend capitalism, to save it... should socialism really be the political poster child of evil? Nope, I'm pretty sure that forcible, violent, gang-rape, and the defense of those who conceal, destroy evidence, and deny rights to victims in the name of free-enterprise and greed is what is truly evil.
 
Whew.