I'm a dirty blonde that's living in the moment.

I got rid of the highlights in my hair and went (or attempted, we'll see) back to my natural darkish blonde. Cole said, "I like your black hair mommy." I said, "No, it's Dark Neutral Blonde." He said, "Yeah, dark neutral blonde." I'm sick of keeping up on the roots of the highlights.

I'm also living in the moment. I can't over explain that one or I will be living out of the moment. It helps.

My dad was taken off chemo. It was causing some bad bleeding. Not sure what that means, maybe I'll know more after his next Oncology appt on the 31st. At this point, I know I can't expect good news, so I'm no longer clinging to his appointments and medicines and doctors for reassurance. There is no reassurance in his illness. There IS reassurance in his voice, his love, and our memories.

I'm working on a memory book for my dad. I cry every time I work on another page, but it is sort of a relieving cry. It's for me just as much as it is for him. I'm slowly grasping this. Slowly processing. It's so painful. But, it's life. No one ever asked me to set the rules. There's probably a reason for that. It is wonderful to think about all of the memories I have with him. I remember my mom telling me that when I was born my dad was crying and said that she could never take me away from him. She said she wouldn't, and I imagine that is when his heart opened and trapped me in forever.

It's so true that feeling joy is only possible by feeling sadness.

I am engaged!! I'm so in love. Eddy is the person I want to wake up with everyday of the rest of my life. He is mine. Like he was special-ordered. Like he is white cake, frosted with butter cream frosting. I know there is a reason my life is so crazy right now. It's because he is here to love me through it. My ring is beautiful, and it represents something that is so important to me, so close to my heart-- which makes it even more beautiful-er.

We went to SLC this weekend to pick up Elaina at the airport. It is so good to have her back! We went school shopping and out for a welcome back dinner. Eddy couldn't believe how much she had grown and Cole was hysterical with happiness!

I'm going out to visit my parents in early Sept. It will be good!

Old times

Elaina has 2 friends staying the night tonight. It is so reminiscent of my pre-teen-hood. Except I didn't fart around my friends. I do now, though.

3 Pizzas
Pop
Candy (3 diff kinds)
Tent
2 sleeping bags
3 loud mouths

= a headache for me + 800 mg Ibuprofen = bed time very, very, soon.

Next weekend we'll make our way to Baker City, OR to meet my parents. They're taking Lainie for the summer & we'll spend Friday and Saturday at the hotel there. It will be really good to see them, although I am scared (not sure if that's the right word) to see how my dad has changed in the past 2 mos. I haven't studied up too much on the steps of grieving, but I would say that I'm currently on the edge of acceptance. Teetering, albeit. Humpty Dumpty and the Wall if you will. I still cry about it from time to time, but have resorted to focusing on the now and enjoying life. Dad says "Life's too short."

Did I mention the For Sale sign is out on the lawn now? The plan, I guess?, is to sell, move to an apartment with a month-to-month lease and then secure employment and residence back home and move. Sooo much to think about. Never in my life have I felt more grounded and secure and content. So to rock the boat so much is sorta unsettling. Being with my parents right now is what is most important. Everything will fall into place.