I'm a dirty blonde that's living in the moment.

I got rid of the highlights in my hair and went (or attempted, we'll see) back to my natural darkish blonde. Cole said, "I like your black hair mommy." I said, "No, it's Dark Neutral Blonde." He said, "Yeah, dark neutral blonde." I'm sick of keeping up on the roots of the highlights.

I'm also living in the moment. I can't over explain that one or I will be living out of the moment. It helps.

My dad was taken off chemo. It was causing some bad bleeding. Not sure what that means, maybe I'll know more after his next Oncology appt on the 31st. At this point, I know I can't expect good news, so I'm no longer clinging to his appointments and medicines and doctors for reassurance. There is no reassurance in his illness. There IS reassurance in his voice, his love, and our memories.

I'm working on a memory book for my dad. I cry every time I work on another page, but it is sort of a relieving cry. It's for me just as much as it is for him. I'm slowly grasping this. Slowly processing. It's so painful. But, it's life. No one ever asked me to set the rules. There's probably a reason for that. It is wonderful to think about all of the memories I have with him. I remember my mom telling me that when I was born my dad was crying and said that she could never take me away from him. She said she wouldn't, and I imagine that is when his heart opened and trapped me in forever.

It's so true that feeling joy is only possible by feeling sadness.

I am engaged!! I'm so in love. Eddy is the person I want to wake up with everyday of the rest of my life. He is mine. Like he was special-ordered. Like he is white cake, frosted with butter cream frosting. I know there is a reason my life is so crazy right now. It's because he is here to love me through it. My ring is beautiful, and it represents something that is so important to me, so close to my heart-- which makes it even more beautiful-er.

We went to SLC this weekend to pick up Elaina at the airport. It is so good to have her back! We went school shopping and out for a welcome back dinner. Eddy couldn't believe how much she had grown and Cole was hysterical with happiness!

I'm going out to visit my parents in early Sept. It will be good!

18 lbs down, 47.6 to go (and other updates)

Wow. I've been doing very well lately. Exercising, not having nightly meltdowns, and feeling pretty happy, overall. Of course there are reasons to be sad, upset, and melt-downy, but I'm trying to focus on the things I have control over. I guess it is even good for an agnostic person to have the Serenity Prayer on the wall.

Once I start exercising, the weight melts off. I think that is genetic. My muscle builds fast. Big-boned viking girl. I had Eddy take pictures of me to compare to later on. That will be a good thing later on, lol.

Dad is handling the chemo fairly well. He started last Friday and will have it once weekly for two more weeks (I think), and then another scan. I'm hopeful.

It's really a difficult thing. Acknowledging that my dad's time is very limited and trying to plan around that just feels morbid. Like we've given up hope. I guess the reality is that I have hope. I understand that the reality is that my dad will die waaay too soon. But I have hope that he will be able to see through the diagnoses, scans, medications, and side-effects and just be able to enjoy the basic things in a way that he never has before. I want him to be floating on a cloud of peace and love when he dies . That I am hopeful for. Sort of sounds like a Care Bears episode, huh?

Life seems to suck a good part of the time. Good thing, that the good things in life are amazing!