You know those little "to-dos" that you just don't want to do? They turn into mountains but in reality are just little mole hills. They take 5 minutes or less to handle. Mine were calling my health insurance about my auto accident that the doctor's office should have billed to Allstate but didn't, filling out my Income Based Repayment forms for my student loan, cancelling my ID theft protection after the free 30 day trial, etc. Why do I worry about this crap and prolong and put it off? I think I've pin pointed what I hate about it. I hate the "press 1 for this, 2 for that", scripted conversations, cordial his, how are yous, have a great day, blah, blah. I just want a damned webform and a fast reply. If I didn't have friends and family and work, I think I could easily fall into the life of a hermit. With an internet connection. I think Eddy would be okay with that too, maybe we could be a hermit-ish family.
Anyway, my mountains have been climbed, and now I'm off to the post office to mail the IBR forms to my loan servicer. Doing it certified this time because last time they "never received" my paperwork.
Happy Monday all!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Smiling BIG
My dad has started enjoying and eating more food thanks to the discontinuation of chemo! Apparently chemo really messes with your ability to taste and it gave him painful mouth sores. All better. I can't wait to get there and start fattening him up!
Also with a change in pain meds, he is feeling a lot less pain and is up and about more, awake more, and enjoying more of life.
This is the BEST news I've had in a long while!
Today was almost 70 and tomorrow should be similar. We took the kids to the park to play and ride their respective bike/skateboard. Walked hand-in-hand with Eddy and talked about nothing important. I enjoyed and appreciated every moment. I sure love my family.
I should hear about the Wells job by Wednesday, and I'm excited to be able to know what is going on in the next month or so.
Have you noticed my new "Song of the Moment" off to the right on this page? Check it. I've been changing it pretty regularly to whatevs I happen to be liking/feeling/connecting with at the moment.
Also with a change in pain meds, he is feeling a lot less pain and is up and about more, awake more, and enjoying more of life.
This is the BEST news I've had in a long while!
Today was almost 70 and tomorrow should be similar. We took the kids to the park to play and ride their respective bike/skateboard. Walked hand-in-hand with Eddy and talked about nothing important. I enjoyed and appreciated every moment. I sure love my family.
I should hear about the Wells job by Wednesday, and I'm excited to be able to know what is going on in the next month or so.
Have you noticed my new "Song of the Moment" off to the right on this page? Check it. I've been changing it pretty regularly to whatevs I happen to be liking/feeling/connecting with at the moment.
so enraged.
If you are touchy about party bias, just change the title of this vid to "Stewart blasts those who opposed Franken's anti-rape legislation".
I'm ashamed to live under the representation of any person who thinks that these private companies that the US Govt pays (with our tax dollars), have the right to deny any HUMAN being's ability to attain justice when they are brutally attacked, physically pained, emotionally damaged, and forever left with trauma and fear.
For fuck's sake.
If you are also unfortunately represented by Senators Crapo and Risch here in Idaho, please join me in contacting them.
I will be asking them about how their opinion would change if the victim in the sample case was a daughter or a granddaughter.
As a human, a woman, an American, I refuse to apathetically shake my head when my "representatives" condone tax dollars being given to companies who so blatently deny basic human rights.
Thankfully, the bill passed 68 to 30.
If there are people that think that stopping this ammendment is what is necessary to defend capitalism, to save it... should socialism really be the political poster child of evil? Nope, I'm pretty sure that forcible, violent, gang-rape, and the defense of those who conceal, destroy evidence, and deny rights to victims in the name of free-enterprise and greed is what is truly evil.
Whew.
I'm ashamed to live under the representation of any person who thinks that these private companies that the US Govt pays (with our tax dollars), have the right to deny any HUMAN being's ability to attain justice when they are brutally attacked, physically pained, emotionally damaged, and forever left with trauma and fear.
For fuck's sake.
If you are also unfortunately represented by Senators Crapo and Risch here in Idaho, please join me in contacting them.
I will be asking them about how their opinion would change if the victim in the sample case was a daughter or a granddaughter.
As a human, a woman, an American, I refuse to apathetically shake my head when my "representatives" condone tax dollars being given to companies who so blatently deny basic human rights.
Thankfully, the bill passed 68 to 30.
If there are people that think that stopping this ammendment is what is necessary to defend capitalism, to save it... should socialism really be the political poster child of evil? Nope, I'm pretty sure that forcible, violent, gang-rape, and the defense of those who conceal, destroy evidence, and deny rights to victims in the name of free-enterprise and greed is what is truly evil.
Whew.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sad brain morning
This morning I'm just feeling sad. On the verge of tears since I woke up. For one specific reason, no. I think it is just being overwhelmed by all of the things that are weighing on my mind and heart.
I think most that know me well know that I am diagnosed bipolar. A little different than the typical, in the sense that my manic phases are very productive, but my mental state is irritable, overwhelmed, and frantic. The depressed phases consist of sleeping and crying and avoiding everything. A lot. Maybe 9-10 months back or so my doctor and I changed the dose of one of my medications and eliminated one for the purpose of seeing how I would fair if Eddy & I decided to try for a baby in the future. We wanted to give as much time as needed to see if this was even feasible. Since then, those thoughts have taken a back burner to the current situations that are my life. Despite this, the medication changes have been wonderful. I don't struggle to stay awake on the weekends and I can enjoy life a little more. The irritability and frantic-ness are a tiny bit more frequent, but I feel that those are more easily dealt with than the depression. Hell, the house is almost always very clean!
For years now, I've been trying to understand my illness that I tend to view (incorrectly, I know) as a weakness. In my worst stages of this illness, I would give up. I wouldn't even try to keep my head above water, and I would give in to the depression, forcing my responsibilities and worries on someone lucky enough to love me and care. One of my really good friends told me once (in a caring manner) that it was time to put on my "big girl panties" (in regard to what situation, I can't remember). That single statement has been very helpful. I've realized life is not easy, and especially challenging with my illness, but I am a mother, fiance, daughter, etc., and I don't have the option of giving up. I have people in my life that I want to help and love, not hinder and with every single teensy bit of motivation and determination in my body I have done very well in holding myself and my life together. That doesn't mean that it's been easy and I guess this morning is just one of those days that I am struggling to hold it together. I would like nothing more than to give in to the struggle and lay in bed all day and sleep and cry during bathroom breaks and eating and then sleep again.
But. I don't want to be the martyr, the weak one, or the one that everyone worries about. Giving in will lower my self-esteem, erase some of my proud moments of determination. I just can't let it happen. I don't want Elaina to come home from school and see me like that. I want to be strong for her, I need her to know that I will be strong and stable for her always. I don't want Eddy to come home and worry about me and have to take care of everything. I love what we have, I love the give and take we share. I'm not going to just take. I want to play with Coley tonight after work, read him stories, and talk about his day. I want to be his constant, one of his pieces of life that is predictable and always warm. To be able to feel sad, cry, and then continue on with my day is somewhat foreign to me. Or maybe the best way to put it is that I'm not a pro at it yet.
I think of all of the difficult times ahead and I panic inside. I wonder exactly how strong I am and how much weakness is okay? By having children, I accepted that I was going to be their mother. They only have one childhood, only one mother. I try hard for them. Actually, I struggle for them. And for me. Because I know what I don't want to be because I've been what I don't want to be. I know what type of mother I want my kids to have, what type of partner I want to be for Eddy, and the kind of daughter that gives all she can to very deserving and loving parents.
I think most that know me well know that I am diagnosed bipolar. A little different than the typical, in the sense that my manic phases are very productive, but my mental state is irritable, overwhelmed, and frantic. The depressed phases consist of sleeping and crying and avoiding everything. A lot. Maybe 9-10 months back or so my doctor and I changed the dose of one of my medications and eliminated one for the purpose of seeing how I would fair if Eddy & I decided to try for a baby in the future. We wanted to give as much time as needed to see if this was even feasible. Since then, those thoughts have taken a back burner to the current situations that are my life. Despite this, the medication changes have been wonderful. I don't struggle to stay awake on the weekends and I can enjoy life a little more. The irritability and frantic-ness are a tiny bit more frequent, but I feel that those are more easily dealt with than the depression. Hell, the house is almost always very clean!
For years now, I've been trying to understand my illness that I tend to view (incorrectly, I know) as a weakness. In my worst stages of this illness, I would give up. I wouldn't even try to keep my head above water, and I would give in to the depression, forcing my responsibilities and worries on someone lucky enough to love me and care. One of my really good friends told me once (in a caring manner) that it was time to put on my "big girl panties" (in regard to what situation, I can't remember). That single statement has been very helpful. I've realized life is not easy, and especially challenging with my illness, but I am a mother, fiance, daughter, etc., and I don't have the option of giving up. I have people in my life that I want to help and love, not hinder and with every single teensy bit of motivation and determination in my body I have done very well in holding myself and my life together. That doesn't mean that it's been easy and I guess this morning is just one of those days that I am struggling to hold it together. I would like nothing more than to give in to the struggle and lay in bed all day and sleep and cry during bathroom breaks and eating and then sleep again.
But. I don't want to be the martyr, the weak one, or the one that everyone worries about. Giving in will lower my self-esteem, erase some of my proud moments of determination. I just can't let it happen. I don't want Elaina to come home from school and see me like that. I want to be strong for her, I need her to know that I will be strong and stable for her always. I don't want Eddy to come home and worry about me and have to take care of everything. I love what we have, I love the give and take we share. I'm not going to just take. I want to play with Coley tonight after work, read him stories, and talk about his day. I want to be his constant, one of his pieces of life that is predictable and always warm. To be able to feel sad, cry, and then continue on with my day is somewhat foreign to me. Or maybe the best way to put it is that I'm not a pro at it yet.
I think of all of the difficult times ahead and I panic inside. I wonder exactly how strong I am and how much weakness is okay? By having children, I accepted that I was going to be their mother. They only have one childhood, only one mother. I try hard for them. Actually, I struggle for them. And for me. Because I know what I don't want to be because I've been what I don't want to be. I know what type of mother I want my kids to have, what type of partner I want to be for Eddy, and the kind of daughter that gives all she can to very deserving and loving parents.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Shocked again.
I had this crazy realization today.
I called my dad to check up on him today. Hospice came to see him and my mom yesterday and I think reality is hitting pretty hard. He had an appointment last Tuesday to sit down with his oncologist and talk about progress, prognosis, and further treatment plans. He was told that he had "3 to 6 months or less". Less? Less by what? No one knows. Problem is that there wasn't a scan done between the last one that resulted in my dad no longer participating in the clinical trials and him starting chemo over a month later. So on Tuesday he was told that the cancer had grown even more. No one knows whether the growth occured during that hiatus from treatment or during the chemo or both. So nobody knows if the chemo was effective at all. My dad is now receiving radiation to his shoulder to try and alleviate the pain he is experiencing due to the cancer that is now in the bone. They are no longer doing chemo. I know my dad was considering stopping chemo and I know that there was a question to whether or not he could receive chemo and radiation at the same time. So I am unsure if his stopping of chemo was his choice or because it is not recommended to be taken at the same time as the radiation. Regardless, his prognosis is not good, there is no evidence that the chemo was doing him any good, and it was causing some not so great side effects.
So when I talked to him this afternoon the first minute covered these topics: when Eddy and I are getting married, when he'd see me again. He seemed almost frantic about these things. And then nothing, he was crying. I asked if he was okay and then my mom came on the line. She said he feels like the doctors have turned him over to "the death camp" and that he has been pretty emotional a most of the day. I don't know the exact number of people, but apparently when hospice came yesterday there was a group of them. It probably hit him pretty hard. Which maybe seems silly, since we've had this shitty prognosis since February. But I sure can relate. I realized, he's going. He's crying to have me near. I'm losing him. Everyone is losing him. He's losing us. Now I'm in a frantic "when can I get there, how can I get there, what about the bills, etc." state. Since his diagnosis I've been going about my life waiting for the signal. Waiting for the signal telling me I needed to go and precisely how long I could continue to keep my head in the clouds. Almost, just maybe in denial. I know he's sick, I have the picture of him as a frail, skinny, hurting man in my mind from the last visit, but it is absolutely incomprehensible that he will be in worse shape when I see him again. I don't want to believe it. It would be one thing if his happy spirit, his strong mind, and his laughter were the same, but those get worse too, despite his and everybody's efforts to keep his mind, heart, and soul healthy. I have thought frequently throughout today that this has to be the worst thing ever. Losing someone you love, watching them feel defeated mentally and physically, hearing the tears of the strongest person you've ever known. It is truly, the biggest heartache, the most pain, that I have ever felt. I just wish that I could cuddle up to him and watch something on TV with him that I used to complain about watching. I just want to squeeze him and to cry with my face pressed against his chest. The solid body and sensible mind that has always been my dad will hold me up and keep me safe, that is what I want to believe.
Eddy and I sat down this afternoon and mapped out any issues that needed to be addressed, any plans that needed to be made before I leave. It made me feel better. Eddy also makes me feel better. I am very lucky to have such an understanding and loving person in my life. He is my best friend. I will cherish every moment of our life together. That's one realization from my dad's illness that has been very enlightening. Enjoy the wonderful things/times/people. Even enjoy the not so wonderful. They are only guaranteed present in your life for the current moment. While being away from him for an extended period of time will be hard, I know he will be there when I return. I know that he will still love me when I get back. I have faith in that. I know I've said this before, but Eddy is only the 2nd man in my life to show me love, treat me with true respect, to always be honest and communicate openly with me, and to love me in a way that makes me know, with certainty, that he loves me more than he could ever love anyone else. He is genuine. Just like my dad. He is there; solid and sensible when neither myself or my dad can be.
I called my dad to check up on him today. Hospice came to see him and my mom yesterday and I think reality is hitting pretty hard. He had an appointment last Tuesday to sit down with his oncologist and talk about progress, prognosis, and further treatment plans. He was told that he had "3 to 6 months or less". Less? Less by what? No one knows. Problem is that there wasn't a scan done between the last one that resulted in my dad no longer participating in the clinical trials and him starting chemo over a month later. So on Tuesday he was told that the cancer had grown even more. No one knows whether the growth occured during that hiatus from treatment or during the chemo or both. So nobody knows if the chemo was effective at all. My dad is now receiving radiation to his shoulder to try and alleviate the pain he is experiencing due to the cancer that is now in the bone. They are no longer doing chemo. I know my dad was considering stopping chemo and I know that there was a question to whether or not he could receive chemo and radiation at the same time. So I am unsure if his stopping of chemo was his choice or because it is not recommended to be taken at the same time as the radiation. Regardless, his prognosis is not good, there is no evidence that the chemo was doing him any good, and it was causing some not so great side effects.
So when I talked to him this afternoon the first minute covered these topics: when Eddy and I are getting married, when he'd see me again. He seemed almost frantic about these things. And then nothing, he was crying. I asked if he was okay and then my mom came on the line. She said he feels like the doctors have turned him over to "the death camp" and that he has been pretty emotional a most of the day. I don't know the exact number of people, but apparently when hospice came yesterday there was a group of them. It probably hit him pretty hard. Which maybe seems silly, since we've had this shitty prognosis since February. But I sure can relate. I realized, he's going. He's crying to have me near. I'm losing him. Everyone is losing him. He's losing us. Now I'm in a frantic "when can I get there, how can I get there, what about the bills, etc." state. Since his diagnosis I've been going about my life waiting for the signal. Waiting for the signal telling me I needed to go and precisely how long I could continue to keep my head in the clouds. Almost, just maybe in denial. I know he's sick, I have the picture of him as a frail, skinny, hurting man in my mind from the last visit, but it is absolutely incomprehensible that he will be in worse shape when I see him again. I don't want to believe it. It would be one thing if his happy spirit, his strong mind, and his laughter were the same, but those get worse too, despite his and everybody's efforts to keep his mind, heart, and soul healthy. I have thought frequently throughout today that this has to be the worst thing ever. Losing someone you love, watching them feel defeated mentally and physically, hearing the tears of the strongest person you've ever known. It is truly, the biggest heartache, the most pain, that I have ever felt. I just wish that I could cuddle up to him and watch something on TV with him that I used to complain about watching. I just want to squeeze him and to cry with my face pressed against his chest. The solid body and sensible mind that has always been my dad will hold me up and keep me safe, that is what I want to believe.
Eddy and I sat down this afternoon and mapped out any issues that needed to be addressed, any plans that needed to be made before I leave. It made me feel better. Eddy also makes me feel better. I am very lucky to have such an understanding and loving person in my life. He is my best friend. I will cherish every moment of our life together. That's one realization from my dad's illness that has been very enlightening. Enjoy the wonderful things/times/people. Even enjoy the not so wonderful. They are only guaranteed present in your life for the current moment. While being away from him for an extended period of time will be hard, I know he will be there when I return. I know that he will still love me when I get back. I have faith in that. I know I've said this before, but Eddy is only the 2nd man in my life to show me love, treat me with true respect, to always be honest and communicate openly with me, and to love me in a way that makes me know, with certainty, that he loves me more than he could ever love anyone else. He is genuine. Just like my dad. He is there; solid and sensible when neither myself or my dad can be.
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