And life goes on...

I can't BELIEVE I will wake up to February tomorrow. Just a couple days and four months until the wedding. Still so much to do.

I still wake up everyday, alive, and have no dad to call. I've just started thinking about what I would tell him if I could speak with him. I imagine somehow maybe he can hear me.

Religiously schooled, I have never been. My dad was agnostic, my mom a childhood Mormon. I've always maintained an agnostic outlook. I just don't know, and I don't feel that there is anything out there that comes close to convincing me of any theory on life, afterlife, and the meaning of life. Honestly, thinking of the human race as delicately mortal, no more capable of living beyond death than a spider I squashed on my bathroom wall, is pretty depressing. So daydreaming that there is something beyond is pleasant. And I wish I felt hope in the sense of it actually happening was a possibility. But I feel hope more in the sense of wishing. And imagining seeing him again feels similarly unreachable as fantasizing about winning huge in the lottery.

I'm coming to realize that a day will not pass that I do not think of him. Most days I cry for him. Some days it's all I can think of, and other days a pleasant memory reminds me of him and brings a tearful smile to my face.

I was reading through my blog tonight, feeling neglectful and realized that I wrote so much about my dad and his illness and how therapeutic it was for me. I've not written much since. I think I will try to make a conscious effort to do so, because it really does help.