Christmas Eve

I'm really glad Cole's in bed. He didn't take a nap at daycare today and at about 6:30 tonight he turned into a monster. A really BIG monster. Threats of being shunned by Santa didn't really help either.

Eddy's parents came over tonight so we could exchange gifts and spend some time together (Eddy's dad has to work tomorrow). Eddy & I got fleece sheets! I can't wait to go to bed!

My birthday was on the 17th. When I woke up that morning I was devastated that I couldn't talk to my dad. The first birthday ever where I couldn't hear his voice. The feeling lasted throughout the day and has trickled into Christmas as well. My heart just aches when I think of him being gone. My dad's passing has also brought along some anxiety about my own death, and the possible death of anyone else in my life. People can go so quickly and unexpectedly. Recently I've heard of so many tragedies, I feel disheartened, sad, and scared about how very delicate the state of living really is. I don't know if it is my personal tragedies, getting older, or what, but I've never been worried about all this before. I just try to remind myself to take the responsibility for what I can control in terms of my mortality and try to accept that often there is no controlling mortality.

Christmas is just different this year. I am grateful to be with Eddy & the kids, grateful to have such a loving and caring family, and I enjoy watching my kids get soooo excited. But it's just not the same. I think it will probably never be the same. I also feel guilty for not being with my mom this time of year, although she seems to be doing pretty well.

So 2010 it almost is. What will the year bring? Marriage, maybe a pregnancy, a new home, a possible relocation, and ???

I'm just trying very hard to take it one day at a time and appreciate all the wonderful things that I enjoy living for. Bad will happen, but so will good.

Please stay...

Dad passed away 3am on Wed Nov 4th. My sister is a nurse. She is so calm and comfortable around medical things. I am so thankful that she was here. She slept by dad's hospital bed on Monday and Tuesday night. I woke up about 2:50am on Tuesday to go pee. After, I went out to the living room where Dad & Ang were. Ang told me she didn't think Dad would last very long. I held his hand for a moment and then went back to bed. 10 minutes later she came and told me she thought he had died. We both returned, he was gone. I can't tell you how bad I wanted to scream out his name. He'd always been there when I cried out for him before. Standing sturdy, waiting to hear what I needed, how he could fix something. There was this irrational part of me that wanted to believe that crying out for him would wake him, bring him back, make him well. It was so crushing when I realized how irrational of a thought that was.

Dad was always very protective of his "high tech gadgets". I asked before I did anything on his computer. I put together a slideshow of pictures for his party. There were several file folders created and transferred to a flash drive. I was so worried I was going to make him crabby.

I drove Ang to the airport tonight. On the way back I was listening to "The Song of the Moment" (off to the right of this page). It is a beautiful song, and I so felt what it was saying. I distinctly remembered driving him to chemotherapy the last time I was here. I had my hand on his skinny leg and let a rush of sadness sweep over me, wishing yet simultaneously accepting that I wasn't going to be able to wish him healthy. Tonight I looked over to that passenger seat and touched the seat and started to cry.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. When I cry, I swear it physically hurts. When I look at my mom, my heart breaks all over again. She is mourning and devastated. I truly am lucky to be able to say that my parents loved each other; adored and admired each other.

My dad is amazing. He has a giving, loving, heart. Honestly, I'm refusing to speak about him in past-tense. I question if that is a bit of denial. Or maybe it's because he'll never, ever, truly be gone.

My Dad

Things have truly taken a turn for the worse with my dad. He has fluids in his lungs, around his heart, and is having a very difficult time breathing. They have started him on oxygen. Given how rapidly his condition has worsened, and the symptoms he is now exhibiting, he will probably die within 10 days. My memories and times with my father are wonderful. I am a lucky girl to have had such a wonderful dad. This is all very painful, heartbreaking. But I remind myself constantly that it hurts so bad, it sucks so bad, only because he has been such a joy to have as my father, such a wonderful man, and such a true person. If he had not been, this wouldn't hurt, so this pain is reflective of how very much he means to me, how very strong of a loving influence he has been on me. So it hurts excruciatingly, but his love and his presence in my life make all of this pain completely worthwhile. I cannot think of a point at which it would hurt more than having my dad be my dad was worth. I love him, and I am so thankful to have him as my dad.

Silly little mountains

You know those little "to-dos" that you just don't want to do? They turn into mountains but in reality are just little mole hills. They take 5 minutes or less to handle. Mine were calling my health insurance about my auto accident that the doctor's office should have billed to Allstate but didn't, filling out my Income Based Repayment forms for my student loan, cancelling my ID theft protection after the free 30 day trial, etc. Why do I worry about this crap and prolong and put it off? I think I've pin pointed what I hate about it. I hate the "press 1 for this, 2 for that", scripted conversations, cordial his, how are yous, have a great day, blah, blah. I just want a damned webform and a fast reply. If I didn't have friends and family and work, I think I could easily fall into the life of a hermit. With an internet connection. I think Eddy would be okay with that too, maybe we could be a hermit-ish family.

Anyway, my mountains have been climbed, and now I'm off to the post office to mail the IBR forms to my loan servicer. Doing it certified this time because last time they "never received" my paperwork.

Happy Monday all!

Smiling BIG

My dad has started enjoying and eating more food thanks to the discontinuation of chemo! Apparently chemo really messes with your ability to taste and it gave him painful mouth sores. All better. I can't wait to get there and start fattening him up!

Also with a change in pain meds, he is feeling a lot less pain and is up and about more, awake more, and enjoying more of life.

This is the BEST news I've had in a long while!

Today was almost 70 and tomorrow should be similar. We took the kids to the park to play and ride their respective bike/skateboard. Walked hand-in-hand with Eddy and talked about nothing important. I enjoyed and appreciated every moment. I sure love my family.

I should hear about the Wells job by Wednesday, and I'm excited to be able to know what is going on in the next month or so.

Have you noticed my new "Song of the Moment" off to the right on this page? Check it. I've been changing it pretty regularly to whatevs I happen to be liking/feeling/connecting with at the moment.

so enraged.

If you are touchy about party bias, just change the title of this vid to "Stewart blasts those who opposed Franken's anti-rape legislation".

I'm ashamed to live under the representation of any person who thinks that these private companies that the US Govt pays (with our tax dollars), have the right to deny any HUMAN being's ability to attain justice when they are brutally attacked, physically pained, emotionally damaged, and forever left with trauma and fear.
For fuck's sake.

If you are also unfortunately represented by Senators Crapo and Risch here in Idaho, please join me in contacting them.

I will be asking them about how their opinion would change if the victim in the sample case was a daughter or a granddaughter.

As a human, a woman, an American, I refuse to apathetically shake my head when my "representatives" condone tax dollars being given to companies who so blatently deny basic human rights.

Thankfully, the bill passed 68 to 30.
 
If there are people that think that stopping this ammendment is what is necessary to defend capitalism, to save it... should socialism really be the political poster child of evil? Nope, I'm pretty sure that forcible, violent, gang-rape, and the defense of those who conceal, destroy evidence, and deny rights to victims in the name of free-enterprise and greed is what is truly evil.
 
Whew.

Sad brain morning

This morning I'm just feeling sad. On the verge of tears since I woke up. For one specific reason, no. I think it is just being overwhelmed by all of the things that are weighing on my mind and heart.

I think most that know me well know that I am diagnosed bipolar. A little different than the typical, in the sense that my manic phases are very productive, but my mental state is irritable, overwhelmed, and frantic. The depressed phases consist of sleeping and crying and avoiding everything. A lot. Maybe 9-10 months back or so my doctor and I changed the dose of one of my medications and eliminated one for the purpose of seeing how I would fair if Eddy & I decided to try for a baby in the future. We wanted to give as much time as needed to see if this was even feasible. Since then, those thoughts have taken a back burner to the current situations that are my life. Despite this, the medication changes have been wonderful. I don't struggle to stay awake on the weekends and I can enjoy life a little more. The irritability and frantic-ness are a tiny bit more frequent, but I feel that those are more easily dealt with than the depression. Hell, the house is almost always very clean!

 For years now, I've been trying to understand my illness that I tend to view (incorrectly, I know) as a weakness. In my worst stages of this illness, I would give up. I wouldn't even try to keep my head above water, and I would give in to the depression, forcing my responsibilities and worries on someone lucky enough to love me and care. One of my really good friends told me once (in a caring manner) that it was time to put on my "big girl panties" (in regard to what situation, I can't remember). That single statement has been very helpful. I've realized life is not easy, and especially challenging with my illness, but I am a mother, fiance, daughter, etc., and I don't have the option of giving up. I have people in my life that I want to help and love, not hinder and with every single teensy bit of motivation and determination in my body I have done very well in holding myself and my life together. That doesn't mean that it's been easy and I guess this morning is just one of those days that I am struggling to hold it together. I would like nothing more than to give in to the struggle and lay in bed all day and sleep and cry during bathroom breaks and eating and then sleep again.

But. I don't want to be the martyr, the weak one, or the one that everyone worries about. Giving in will lower my self-esteem, erase some of my proud moments of determination. I just can't let it happen. I don't want Elaina to come home from school and see me like that. I want to be strong for her, I need her to know that I will be strong and stable for her always. I don't want Eddy to come home and worry about me and have to take care of everything. I love what we have, I love the give and take we share. I'm not going to just take. I want to play with Coley tonight after work, read him stories, and talk about his day. I want to be his constant, one of his pieces of life that is predictable and always warm. To be able to feel sad, cry, and then continue on with my day is somewhat foreign to me. Or maybe the best way to put it is that I'm not a pro at it yet.

I think of all of the difficult times ahead and I panic inside. I wonder exactly how strong I am and how much weakness is okay? By having children, I accepted that I was going to be their mother. They only have one childhood, only one mother. I try hard for them. Actually, I struggle for them. And for me. Because I know what I don't want to be because I've been what I don't want to be. I know what type of mother I want my kids to have, what type of partner I want to be for Eddy, and the kind of daughter that gives all she can to very deserving and loving parents.

Shocked again.

I had this crazy realization today.

I called my dad to check up on him today. Hospice came to see him and my mom yesterday and I think reality is hitting pretty hard. He had an appointment last Tuesday to sit down with his oncologist and talk about progress, prognosis, and further treatment plans. He was told that he had "3 to 6 months or less". Less? Less by what? No one knows. Problem is that there wasn't a scan done between the last one that resulted in my dad no longer participating in the clinical trials and him starting chemo over a month later. So on Tuesday he was told that the cancer had grown even more. No one knows whether the growth occured during that hiatus from treatment or during the chemo or both. So nobody knows if the chemo was effective at all. My dad is now receiving radiation to his shoulder to try and alleviate the pain he is experiencing due to the cancer that is now in the bone. They are no longer doing chemo. I know my dad was considering stopping chemo and I know that there was a question to whether or not he could receive chemo and radiation at the same time. So I am unsure if his stopping of chemo was his choice or because it is not recommended to be taken at the same time as the radiation. Regardless, his prognosis is not good, there is no evidence that the chemo was doing him any good, and it was causing some not so great side effects.

So when I talked to him this afternoon the first minute covered these topics: when Eddy and I are getting married, when he'd see me again. He seemed almost frantic about these things. And then nothing, he was crying. I asked if he was okay and then my mom came on the line. She said he feels like the doctors have turned him over to "the death camp" and that he has been pretty emotional a most of the day. I don't know the exact number of people, but apparently when hospice came yesterday there was a group of them. It probably hit him pretty hard. Which maybe seems silly, since we've had this shitty prognosis since February. But I sure can relate. I realized, he's going. He's crying to have me near. I'm losing him. Everyone is losing him. He's losing us. Now I'm in a frantic "when can I get there, how can I get there, what about the bills, etc." state. Since his diagnosis I've been going about my life waiting for the signal. Waiting for the signal telling me I needed to go and precisely how long I could continue to keep my head in the clouds. Almost, just maybe in denial. I know he's sick, I have the picture of him as a frail, skinny, hurting man in my mind from the last visit, but it is absolutely incomprehensible that he will be in worse shape when I see him again. I don't want to believe it. It would be one thing if his happy spirit, his strong mind, and his laughter were the same, but those get worse too, despite his and everybody's efforts to keep his mind, heart, and soul healthy. I have thought frequently throughout today that this has to be the worst thing ever. Losing someone you love, watching them feel defeated mentally and physically, hearing the tears of the strongest person you've ever known. It is truly, the biggest heartache, the most pain, that I have ever felt. I just wish that I could cuddle up to him and watch something on TV with him that I used to complain about watching. I just want to squeeze him and to cry with my face pressed against his chest. The solid body and sensible mind that has always been my dad will hold me up and keep me safe, that is what I want to believe.

Eddy and I sat down this afternoon and mapped out any issues that needed to be addressed, any plans that needed to be made before I leave. It made me feel better. Eddy also makes me feel better. I am very lucky to have such an understanding and loving person in my life. He is my best friend. I will cherish every moment of our life together. That's one realization from my dad's illness that has been very enlightening. Enjoy the wonderful things/times/people. Even enjoy the not so wonderful. They are only guaranteed present in your life for the current moment. While being away from him for an extended period of time will be hard, I know he will be there when I return. I know that he will still love me when I get back. I have faith in that. I know I've said this before, but Eddy is only the 2nd man in my life to show me love, treat me with true respect, to always be honest and communicate openly with me, and to love me in a way that makes me know, with certainty, that he loves me more than he could ever love anyone else. He is genuine. Just like my dad. He is there; solid and sensible when neither myself or my dad can be.

Protect that profit!

Protect the insurance companies (and their well-deserved executive pay)!

This is great!

Personally, I have had claims denied by insurance companies because the doctor and hospital "were out of network" despite them paying claims to the exact same doctor and hospital weeks earlier. Result: the claims were paid, but only after a handful of calls, most of the time spent on hold, and a mass amount of frustration. I'm sure that is just a drop in the bucket in terms of insurance company troubles. My Dad has a max out of pocket of $2000 and with his diagnosis this year and all of the subsequent appointments, medications, consultations, referrals, etc., he has exceeded the max. Of course he is the one to bring it to Kaiser's attention. It makes me wonder how many sick people with no effective means of record keeping and/or the capacity to deal with the insurance companies end up paying waaaaaay beyond their max. And then there is the whole issue of my Mom getting health insurance after my Dad is gone. Huge premium & partial coverage is what we're looking at.

Visits, Worries & Music

A while back I figured out a new way to relieve stress. Maybe I already wrote about it. Feeling to lazy to look thru the blog and check...

I wrote down all of my worries. They are in my purse. When I feel prepared to worry, I pull them out. It seriously works. If I start to worry, I remind myself that those are in my purse and I have to pull them out to worry about them, and then I stop worrying.

That and I started chewing my nails again. In this way I can relate to a smoker who is trying to quit. I haven't chewed my nails for months, and years before the time I slipped up last. Ugh.

I went for a visit to see my parents a teensy bit over a week ago and got back on Tues. It was a really good trip. It was also a really sad trip. Dad has definitely lost weight, gotten weaker, gotten sicker. It breaks me. I finished up a memory book for him before my trip and gave it to him while I was there. It was an emotion/time-consuming project. I started back in May and got it done just a few days after Eddy & I were engaged. First of all, it had to be "perfect". Secondly, it made me cry everytime. It was well worth it tho. I think my Dad really appreciated it. It was really special and focused on our lives together as father & daughter throughout the years. And I always feel healthier emotionally when I have been able to express something important to someone in a well thought out way.

There is no real news when it comes to his health; they don't even really have a baseline in terms of the cancer growth & spread. Since he has started the chemo after the trials didn't work, he has not had any scans. He now has tumors in his kidneys, stomach, liver, lungs, on his humerus (the arm bone that meets up with the clavicle at the shoulder area), and he's having similiar bone pain in his hip, so tumors are suspected there. It could be elsewhere, but we won't know until his scan at the end of the month. His last round of chemo is on the 28th and he should have some more prognosis info on the 6th of October. Once we have that, I will start putting together my plan to be there with him. Like I told my parents, there are no easy answers. I have a job that I like, a comfortable home with the man that I love, my kids are settled in at their schools, but I have to prioritize as life comes at me. I can and will make sacrifices (most temporary) in order to spend this last bit of time with him. Because if I don't it will forever hurt me. It is something that I need. I need to be there with him and give him all of the love & attention I can. He is very selfless in this and doesn't want me to shake up my life. My life will be shook up. He is my Dad, one of the biggest loves of my life. I am losing him & we will have to say goodbye. There just isn't any easy way to do that.

I called Dad tonight; I hadn't talked to him all day. He asked what we were up to and I told him that we had all just gotten back from the park; Cole riding his bike, Lainie her scooter, and Eddy and I walking and then some playground time. He said, "Enjoy it while you can." Those words are so very important. I'm realizing that time goes on-- with me or without me. When my time's all up, I want to know that I have spent it with the people that I love. That I have spent it in the moment and with my full presence; mind, heart, and body.

My Mom is struggling. It is a hard thing to see, and it is even harder feeling that she won't allow any help in dealing. It is frustrating. But my Mom has been who she is for a long time. I accept her and love her for her. Back when she was drinking heavily when I was a teenager I asked my Dad why he stayed with her. He said someday when I knew what love really was I'd understand. It's true. I can love her for who and what she is, or I can struggle and drain my emotions to figure out how to fix her and her problems.

Life is not easy. I'm not even to 30 yet and there have been many heartaches. I'm sure there will be more. I wish I knew a way to avoid it, but I don't. I will say that given my history in dealing with things, I am dealing pretty well. I will also say that I am grateful for all of the special people in my life. They are what make trudging thru and wiping many tears worthwhile.

Back when Dad was diagnosed he made a compilation of songs (6 cds worth) and named it "The Requiem". This is one of the many ways that we are alike. Emotions go hand and hand with music. He is expressing how he feels, his thoughts, his foresight, his memories. I listen and I find new messages from him everyday. These songs have become really important to me. There are many songs that I can see clearly how the lyrics relate to his life, there are others that I haven't yet figured out. Some of my favorites so far:

The Messenger by Daniel Lanois or Tea Party
I am inclined to think that the version my dad gave me was done by Daniel Lanois, and while I even think that the main Jeff singer guy of Tea Party is hot, the version done by Daniel Lanois is the best. The lyrics make no sense, but complete sense at the same time. It is so beautiful. I think of two people in a relationship just coming together out of painful previous relationships. Scorned and scared they fall in love apprehensively and almost pained, they finally realize that what they have and how irrelevant their pasts are to their future. My Mom and Dad were both previously married. I think both were considerably hurt by their first spouses.

Far, Far Away from my Heart by Bodeans.
Okay, so this video is NOT Bodeans. This totally cracks me up, but when I feel like I want to make fun of him I think, "hey this guy appreciates good music, I should cut him some slack" The lyrics from this song are beautiful and represent my dad's situation in many ways. "The feeling's coming on again, its kicking its screaming deep inside me. I'm so tired of fighting with myself." This sounds so much like the cancer. "I'm feeling more and more like less and less." Defeated: "And now I'm staring blankly at the TV set." "Far, far away from my heart" is about feeling that his loved ones were physically too far away or otherwise unreachable. Like his awful daughter that moved away from him to Idaho.

Watermelon in Easter Hay by Frank Zappa
An absolutely amazing song. Just get past the whispering in the beginning and you'll see what I mean. The instruments are all amazingly working together in this big happy love-cloud of a song. It drives Eddy crazy. He says it is the same chords over and over. I think my Dad likes it because it's awesome.

More songs to come.

Every major breast cancer advocacy group supports healthcare reform. But "they" are secretly trying to kill off old people, republicans, and women.

Idiocy is entertaining & makes a good blog post when one doesn't want to write.

I'm a dirty blonde that's living in the moment.

I got rid of the highlights in my hair and went (or attempted, we'll see) back to my natural darkish blonde. Cole said, "I like your black hair mommy." I said, "No, it's Dark Neutral Blonde." He said, "Yeah, dark neutral blonde." I'm sick of keeping up on the roots of the highlights.

I'm also living in the moment. I can't over explain that one or I will be living out of the moment. It helps.

My dad was taken off chemo. It was causing some bad bleeding. Not sure what that means, maybe I'll know more after his next Oncology appt on the 31st. At this point, I know I can't expect good news, so I'm no longer clinging to his appointments and medicines and doctors for reassurance. There is no reassurance in his illness. There IS reassurance in his voice, his love, and our memories.

I'm working on a memory book for my dad. I cry every time I work on another page, but it is sort of a relieving cry. It's for me just as much as it is for him. I'm slowly grasping this. Slowly processing. It's so painful. But, it's life. No one ever asked me to set the rules. There's probably a reason for that. It is wonderful to think about all of the memories I have with him. I remember my mom telling me that when I was born my dad was crying and said that she could never take me away from him. She said she wouldn't, and I imagine that is when his heart opened and trapped me in forever.

It's so true that feeling joy is only possible by feeling sadness.

I am engaged!! I'm so in love. Eddy is the person I want to wake up with everyday of the rest of my life. He is mine. Like he was special-ordered. Like he is white cake, frosted with butter cream frosting. I know there is a reason my life is so crazy right now. It's because he is here to love me through it. My ring is beautiful, and it represents something that is so important to me, so close to my heart-- which makes it even more beautiful-er.

We went to SLC this weekend to pick up Elaina at the airport. It is so good to have her back! We went school shopping and out for a welcome back dinner. Eddy couldn't believe how much she had grown and Cole was hysterical with happiness!

I'm going out to visit my parents in early Sept. It will be good!

18 lbs down, 47.6 to go (and other updates)

Wow. I've been doing very well lately. Exercising, not having nightly meltdowns, and feeling pretty happy, overall. Of course there are reasons to be sad, upset, and melt-downy, but I'm trying to focus on the things I have control over. I guess it is even good for an agnostic person to have the Serenity Prayer on the wall.

Once I start exercising, the weight melts off. I think that is genetic. My muscle builds fast. Big-boned viking girl. I had Eddy take pictures of me to compare to later on. That will be a good thing later on, lol.

Dad is handling the chemo fairly well. He started last Friday and will have it once weekly for two more weeks (I think), and then another scan. I'm hopeful.

It's really a difficult thing. Acknowledging that my dad's time is very limited and trying to plan around that just feels morbid. Like we've given up hope. I guess the reality is that I have hope. I understand that the reality is that my dad will die waaay too soon. But I have hope that he will be able to see through the diagnoses, scans, medications, and side-effects and just be able to enjoy the basic things in a way that he never has before. I want him to be floating on a cloud of peace and love when he dies . That I am hopeful for. Sort of sounds like a Care Bears episode, huh?

Life seems to suck a good part of the time. Good thing, that the good things in life are amazing!

Oh Yeah!

1 month since I re-committed myself to my weight loss thing. I have lost 15.8 lbs!! Yay!

I hate all of the neighbors and all of their spawn

Some shitty, fat-ass, little boy just kicked two panels out from our vinyl fence. I wanted to beat him into the ground.

I think most of the people that read this know my neighborhood story. If not here's the short story: dog poop in our yard, screaming fights in the street, drug deals and cop cars retrieving stolen vehicles, little, little kids running around in the street and everywhere else at all hours. Saturated pull-ups underneath a POS El Camino and a mom screaming curse words at her toddler. I could go on for a while longer, but I won't. It's why we got the flipping fence. To block it out. Eddy's in the backyard trying to get the panels back in with the shit-head's dad helping.

Please! Please! Buy our house!

Military base Camp Lejeune

I just found out some very interesting stuff. My dad was in the Navy right out of high school and was stationed at Camp Lajeune (la-june) in North Carolina. Apparently from 1950 something to the early 80's the drinking water there was contaminated with solvent and degreaser; chemicals often used in dry cleaning. Contaminated by up to 500 times the "safe" level. There is a ton of info out there and things are starting to unravel; cases being brought to court, scientific study results, etc. A strong connection between these chemicals and cancer, specifically kidney, exist. Many children born on base are overwhelmed by different diseases and conditions, many of these children died before reaching adulthood. Many with aggressive types of cancer. Crap. Apparently, there is documentation of the military being notified about the contaminants, the extreme concentration of these contaminants, and the military chose to do nothing. It wasn't until '85 that the water sources identified as contaminated were shut down.

Crazy shit. I'm sending my dad all of the info. My thoughts are if my dad can be awarded some sort of compensation, he can leave my mother knowing that she'll be able to take care of herself. Maybe that would also alleviate his fears of losing health coverage once he is unable to work any longer. I'm just hoping that maybe this will reduce some worries and allow him to focus on spending time doing what he wants to and spending time with those he loves.

I don't want to title this.

I can't believe I forgot. I knew that my parents had gone for more scans to check the progress of his treatments and were awaiting the results. Well apparently they received the results a couple of days ago. My mom told me tonight.

All areas show growth of the cancer. No shrinkage, no slowing, nothing. Originally the doctor had said that my dad had 6 months without treatment and 18 months with. If the treatment is not working does that mean we're back to 6 months (I think 5 have already passed)? They have to wait a week to talk to the oncologist. You should NOT have to wait when you are terminally ill. It is wrong and it makes me soooo angry. I got all emotional last night just feeling like I really needed to be with my dad... Tonight I feel desperate to be with him. But he is working. Working! If I were him I'd QUIT. Although he is rightfully concerned about health care. I feel like all of the excesses in his life should be removed. He just should be as happy and as comfortable as possible.

This whole thing is just wrong. It feels so heavy, so twisted. I realize that I am not the first daughter to face losing a father, but it feels unbearable.

Adventures in potty-time.

Cole and I had a date tonight. With Megan. We went to Craigo's and ate waaay too much pizza and such.

Cole said he had to go potty. Which is great except I wanted to eat. And like any good parent, I took him to the potty. We get into the bathroom that has only 2 stalls. There is some woman in one of them handing toilet paper over to the other stall where someone is stuck without. The paper hander-overer is in line, another lady, and then us. We are informed by the lady (I'll call her 80s hair since it's fitting) that the stall she is retrieving tp from is clogged and full of poop. And then stall lady comes out. Finally. Lady in front of us has left, apparently sick of waiting. 80s hair goes to the bathroom. Finally, our turn! She comes out and informs us that there is no more tp in the poop stall. Great. So Cole's a boy and doesn't need to wipe if he goes pee, right? So I figure it'll work out and I crossed my fingers that he wouldn't poop. We walk in and fucking 80s hair lady has left a sprinkle of pee around nearly the whole toilet seat! WTF? Umm. Hmmm. Are people that oblivious to their sprayage? Disgusting. I get a paper towel from the sink area and wipe off the toilet seat. Cole, disgusted by the pee, reluctantly sits on the toilet and pees. Phew. We eat dinner, hook Cole up with a cookie-dough desert pizza and then I go to get my "treat pizza". I get back and Cole "needs to poop and fart". Can't I eat my apple crisp pizza first?? We get in there and poop stall is now un-pooped and functional. Pee stall has pee in the toilet (this time) and will not flush. We proceed to poop stall where Cole poops. Out of nowhere 2 women come in and are waiting to use the bathroom. Cole is not one to poop on someone else's watch, so I had to coax him along. I wiped his bottom and he hopped down and went to flush the potty. He still had poop on his butt so I wiped it again. 1 irritated looking lady left in the bathroom and we washed our hands and left to resume our treat pizza eating. Good times.

Old times

Elaina has 2 friends staying the night tonight. It is so reminiscent of my pre-teen-hood. Except I didn't fart around my friends. I do now, though.

3 Pizzas
Pop
Candy (3 diff kinds)
Tent
2 sleeping bags
3 loud mouths

= a headache for me + 800 mg Ibuprofen = bed time very, very, soon.

Next weekend we'll make our way to Baker City, OR to meet my parents. They're taking Lainie for the summer & we'll spend Friday and Saturday at the hotel there. It will be really good to see them, although I am scared (not sure if that's the right word) to see how my dad has changed in the past 2 mos. I haven't studied up too much on the steps of grieving, but I would say that I'm currently on the edge of acceptance. Teetering, albeit. Humpty Dumpty and the Wall if you will. I still cry about it from time to time, but have resorted to focusing on the now and enjoying life. Dad says "Life's too short."

Did I mention the For Sale sign is out on the lawn now? The plan, I guess?, is to sell, move to an apartment with a month-to-month lease and then secure employment and residence back home and move. Sooo much to think about. Never in my life have I felt more grounded and secure and content. So to rock the boat so much is sorta unsettling. Being with my parents right now is what is most important. Everything will fall into place.

Landscape pics-- as promised.

Jelly

So... first week results are in! I've lost 6.6 lbs! Woot me. And this is all despite my eating 30 whoppers before bed last night. That was the most ill-behaved I've been all week.

Eddy can't tell and my pants are still tight... More work ahead!

I didn't do very well with exercise this week. Probs because I didn't feel too well throughout parts of the week.

It's Memorial Day weekend. 2 whole days (I worked yesterday) with the whole fam. It's now raining on my window.

We finished our little landscaping project out front. Will take pics and post them. It's Eddy & my first successful DIY project.

Toodles.

Dolla dolla bills y'all

We just did a budget. It sucked. I'm depressed. I know that I was designed and evolved into being most comfortable in a life of luxury. Where is it?? I'd know exactly what to do with it.

Going to see mom & dad for a week-ish in late June. Excited about that, but since it's upaid, also a little worried.

How to make money; a brainstorming activity:

- Sell my ova.

- Be a surrogate

-Find a real way to make millions online with just a simple website. No work! Think of it as a cruise control deposits into your checking account. There has to be a real one out there!

-Sell the rejected products he brings me home on eBay at $2 less than it would cost to buy the quality product.

-Start my own webcam focusing on some strange and mild fetish. Maybe verbal scolding, leg shaving, or watching me do the dishes. Some sort of way for me to do nothing whore-ish, yet make big bucks off of weirdos.

-Mow lawns.

-Get a 2nd legitimate job. Ugh..... Luxury, diamonds, pearls, hammocks, and housekeepers.... where ART thou?

Plans

I've committed myself to losing weight. 57 lbs to be exact. About 7 years ago I lost 80 lbs and have since gained back over 30. I'm starting the couch potato to 5k running program. It is pretty intense, although running for 60 seconds to start out with may seem easy. It's not. At least for me.

I'll link: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Anyways, now that it is down in writing I can't un-commit. Unless I delete this post and in that case those that have read it can remind me that it was once on my blog.

Wreckish

My mind wanders constantly. I always let it. Sometimes it wanders to the best idea, worst nightmare, foresight, reminiscent, and most entertaining, random. I had a therapist once who said, "What you resists, persists.", and decided then and there to allow my mind free reign. By posting this I have committed meditation, so unfortunately I won't be able to actually act out this random wander for fear of criminal prosecution. There are too many ugly spots of brown grass, dirt, weeds, and cement in this world. Figuratively and literally speaking.

When I was a kid my house was backed up against a big forested area. Our back yard South to North was: grass, brick patio, deck, stairs down to the garden, the garden, patch of grass, lots of dirt and then finally the forest. My parents (agreeably I speak) decided to buy a mass of wildflower seeds and sprinkle the seeds on the patch of dirt between the grass and the forest. With no garden utensils, additional water from the hose, or even a moment toiled with manual labor, my parents gave life to maybe 20 different flower species over a huge area of dirt. It was effortless, natural and, freeing in some sort of way. I always appreciated the image, and now I vividly remember the different shapes, colors, and heights of the flowers. It was comforting.

I drive through this small to medium town I see commercialization, estrangement, and worry. This creates a nearly subconscious layer of tense behind day to day life.

These two facts create one wonderful wander:

Wildflowers. Any. Location. That. Is. Ugly.

Intersection corners, patch of dry land burnt to a dark brown dust, curbs in front of closed businesses, free clinics, and at the risk of sounding absurd, sex offender's residences. Label the uncomfortable. Let the tense leave. Don't change the meaning. Change the feeling.

Soon this would create a media frenzy. The Wildflower Bandits, Law Breakin' Hippies, Aristotle's Apostles! Who were they? Police sketches dictated by eye witnesses. $300 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of. Time went by. I lounged in the front of my home in an extra contouring hammock. I smiled. Eventually no one was hot on my tail anymore.

Why the resistance to behave instinctualy? Relax. Enjoy. Think but don't worry.

I hate update posts, but not much I can do about that since it has been 2 + weeks from my last post.

Eddy, the kids, and I went to Washington to visit my parents, friends, and other family. It was great to be back. My dad started clinical trial drugs the day before our departure and he is still seeming to tolerate the side effects well. I held it all together fairly well while I was there. We kept busy and once we went to back out of the driveway I started crying. The thought of never seeing him look the same, anticipation of the deterioration that is inevitable, and the non-guarantee of when I'd be back to hug him again was all too much. Now I find myself sort of scared to call them. My dad called that the "cancer curse". No one knows what to say so they just avoid him and the situation. I push through that because he's my dad and even if I can't come up with something to say, just calling will be good. Someday he won't be there to answer.

I'm starting to seriously contemplate studying philosophy. I do it all day, everyday, so I might as well earn a degree to make my space-out contemplations worthwhile.

Welp. Today will continue in my pajamas, on my couch watching cartoons and eating Easter candy. Sweetness.

Sicko

Today has been remarkably nice. I haven't had a Saturday off for a few weeks and not having to set the alarm last night felt nice. Cole and I went to the store and stopped by work for my schedule. He was extraordinarily pleasant to be out in public with.

Eddy's car water pump went out over a week ago and he's yet to receive his parts to fix it. Today he tore it down so that when the parts come he'll be able to jump right in to the installation. I brought him lunch home from Wendy's and not even an hour later he was throwing up and stuff. And by "and stuff" I mean pooping. It is past 11pm and he still is sick. He barfed in this wood garbage basket I have up in our bedroom, I could barely put it in a plastic bag to go out to the trash without puking myself. He's gonna hafta buy me a new one. He's burning up too. Hopefully he'll feel better soon. I've been very productive with him being sick, I cleaned out our pantry, did the dishes, laundry, etc. He'll be happy when he can finally manage to make it downstairs.

I think I'll watch some stuff from the DVR and then go to bed, on the couch. I just cannot bring myself to sleep next to potential throw up and diarrhea. Poor guy. I love him, just not his bodily fluids. If I had a bell I'd give it to him to ring if he needed anything. But I don't. That makes my apprehension to sleep by him a little less mean, right?

Oh, at Walmart today this woman came up to me, put her hand on my shoulder and spoke in an onion-y smelling voice. She said something about me having two kids, her not able to have any because of scoliosis and mental delays, etc. I just grinned and nodded and kept repeating "thanks!" Her breath was horrid. I'm pretty sure she was admiring my little family, but MY GOD she smelled. Anyway.

Love to my peeps.

A title does not come to mind...

Today kind of sucked and kind of didn't. It started out yucky with Eddy being a little bitchy at me. See his car is broken down at the moment, we are sharing a vehicle, and somehow this makes me the problem. But I rationalized with him and he saw the screaming bright white light and, POOF, wasn't a moron anymore. I can't handle it when people are not nice for a bad and/or no reason. It makes me MAD. I'm like, "Stop being mean!" But not in a pleading sort of way, more in a threatening to stomp your toe type of way. Good thing we had to share a car and weren't in the same place or he would have a hurt toe right now.

Dad had to go the doctor's office today for another CT scan and stress test. They are now saying that his asthma may be a problem in participating in the Interleukin trial. The scan and stress test shall determine. Two months post diagnosis and he still has yet to have any sort of treatment. And now what he's been waiting to do may not happen?! My mom sounds on edge and I pity the fool that crosses her next. It feels really helpless at the moment. We go out for a visit in a little over a week. I just don't know what to expect...

Work was fun today. As usual!

And I leave you with this:

"There is no off position on the genius switch." - David Letterman

Current events

I'd say the most prominent, thinking time user-upper in my life right now is my dad. He, being the strongest, most reliable, knowledgeable, insightful, and loving person in my life, has been diagnosed with cancer. Renal cell carcinoma. That is kidney cancer. He is in the IV stage of IV stages and it has metastasized to his lymph nodes and encompasses a big vein (can't remember the name).

A month ago a doctor gave him 6 months to live without any treatment and up to 18 months to live with a drug that only promises to slow down the progression of cancer. A week ago he was approved to join a clinical trial using Interleukin-21, a possible cure. All other patients in the trial have had a nephrectomy (the removal of the kidney), but due to the cancer being spread out near his veins, surgery would be highly dangerous. So he is truly the guinea pig in this trial within a trial. The outlook is not wonderful, but he seems hopeful and ready to give it a go. He'll be in the hospital receiving the treatment for one week, two weeks off at home. Rinse and repeat. After two treatments they will scan the tumor and if it has shrunk, will continue. If it hasn't he will be put on the drug that slows the progression of the cancer and we will watch him go, something I never comprehended as even possible. The clinical trial will be no fun, the doctor told him to expect to feel as though he is experiencing the worst flu symptoms ever.

In the course of a the couple months that this has been revealed I have denied, cried, feared, and attempted to plan around all possibilities. What makes me feel even more jumbled is being in Idaho, 700+ miles from him. Trying to figure out a way to move my family, sell the house, and remain employed is more than overwhelming.

He has become, in my thinking, this fragile and sad story, this weak and scared person. Those are words I thought I'd never be able to use to describe my dad. I love him more than I could ever explain. I am terrified that I will not be able to remember his voice once he dies and have taken to saving all of his voice mails. My grandma died 5 years ago and I can't remember her voice. It is like a distant memory hanging off of a single neuron in my brain and I can't grasp it, although there is some sort of tasteless aftertaste of her voice, maybe the insistence in my mind that I couldn't have possibly forgotten. That makes me feel ridiculously guilty.

I know that people lose and die every day. But somehow my situation is selfishly more important and painful than anyone else's. I am scared to hug him, not sure what to say, and this is all new and somewhat incomprehensible.

The inaugural address

I've started a few blogs, lost interest, deleted them because the thoughts and topics were so varied, odd, even absurd. This is my new, free therapy, and I am newly committed. Maybe it will also succeed in being entertaining, and I can also feel important.

Brief introduction:

I am 27. I frequently forget my age. I hate bad spelling and will be ashamed if anyone finds it on this blog. I struggle with trusting people and initially hate most people. But I smile and people never catch on. I am a parent of two, a girlfriend of one, friend to a small circle, and a relative to quite a few. I don't feel that my outwardly appearance accurately reflects who I am. But who I am changes somewhat frequently. I chose my blog title of "Compartmental" because it not only represents a moment in my life that I was at a loss for a word and used a big confusing one, but because I have many mental compartments and I'm kind of mental. But who and what is truly normal? I think people like me for the most part. I think I am a genuine person. I should not necessarily be classified as a good person.

As this blog continues I will further elaborate, but I feel like this is a pretty accurate baseline description of me.