Sad brain morning

This morning I'm just feeling sad. On the verge of tears since I woke up. For one specific reason, no. I think it is just being overwhelmed by all of the things that are weighing on my mind and heart.

I think most that know me well know that I am diagnosed bipolar. A little different than the typical, in the sense that my manic phases are very productive, but my mental state is irritable, overwhelmed, and frantic. The depressed phases consist of sleeping and crying and avoiding everything. A lot. Maybe 9-10 months back or so my doctor and I changed the dose of one of my medications and eliminated one for the purpose of seeing how I would fair if Eddy & I decided to try for a baby in the future. We wanted to give as much time as needed to see if this was even feasible. Since then, those thoughts have taken a back burner to the current situations that are my life. Despite this, the medication changes have been wonderful. I don't struggle to stay awake on the weekends and I can enjoy life a little more. The irritability and frantic-ness are a tiny bit more frequent, but I feel that those are more easily dealt with than the depression. Hell, the house is almost always very clean!

 For years now, I've been trying to understand my illness that I tend to view (incorrectly, I know) as a weakness. In my worst stages of this illness, I would give up. I wouldn't even try to keep my head above water, and I would give in to the depression, forcing my responsibilities and worries on someone lucky enough to love me and care. One of my really good friends told me once (in a caring manner) that it was time to put on my "big girl panties" (in regard to what situation, I can't remember). That single statement has been very helpful. I've realized life is not easy, and especially challenging with my illness, but I am a mother, fiance, daughter, etc., and I don't have the option of giving up. I have people in my life that I want to help and love, not hinder and with every single teensy bit of motivation and determination in my body I have done very well in holding myself and my life together. That doesn't mean that it's been easy and I guess this morning is just one of those days that I am struggling to hold it together. I would like nothing more than to give in to the struggle and lay in bed all day and sleep and cry during bathroom breaks and eating and then sleep again.

But. I don't want to be the martyr, the weak one, or the one that everyone worries about. Giving in will lower my self-esteem, erase some of my proud moments of determination. I just can't let it happen. I don't want Elaina to come home from school and see me like that. I want to be strong for her, I need her to know that I will be strong and stable for her always. I don't want Eddy to come home and worry about me and have to take care of everything. I love what we have, I love the give and take we share. I'm not going to just take. I want to play with Coley tonight after work, read him stories, and talk about his day. I want to be his constant, one of his pieces of life that is predictable and always warm. To be able to feel sad, cry, and then continue on with my day is somewhat foreign to me. Or maybe the best way to put it is that I'm not a pro at it yet.

I think of all of the difficult times ahead and I panic inside. I wonder exactly how strong I am and how much weakness is okay? By having children, I accepted that I was going to be their mother. They only have one childhood, only one mother. I try hard for them. Actually, I struggle for them. And for me. Because I know what I don't want to be because I've been what I don't want to be. I know what type of mother I want my kids to have, what type of partner I want to be for Eddy, and the kind of daughter that gives all she can to very deserving and loving parents.