Christmas Eve

I'm really glad Cole's in bed. He didn't take a nap at daycare today and at about 6:30 tonight he turned into a monster. A really BIG monster. Threats of being shunned by Santa didn't really help either.

Eddy's parents came over tonight so we could exchange gifts and spend some time together (Eddy's dad has to work tomorrow). Eddy & I got fleece sheets! I can't wait to go to bed!

My birthday was on the 17th. When I woke up that morning I was devastated that I couldn't talk to my dad. The first birthday ever where I couldn't hear his voice. The feeling lasted throughout the day and has trickled into Christmas as well. My heart just aches when I think of him being gone. My dad's passing has also brought along some anxiety about my own death, and the possible death of anyone else in my life. People can go so quickly and unexpectedly. Recently I've heard of so many tragedies, I feel disheartened, sad, and scared about how very delicate the state of living really is. I don't know if it is my personal tragedies, getting older, or what, but I've never been worried about all this before. I just try to remind myself to take the responsibility for what I can control in terms of my mortality and try to accept that often there is no controlling mortality.

Christmas is just different this year. I am grateful to be with Eddy & the kids, grateful to have such a loving and caring family, and I enjoy watching my kids get soooo excited. But it's just not the same. I think it will probably never be the same. I also feel guilty for not being with my mom this time of year, although she seems to be doing pretty well.

So 2010 it almost is. What will the year bring? Marriage, maybe a pregnancy, a new home, a possible relocation, and ???

I'm just trying very hard to take it one day at a time and appreciate all the wonderful things that I enjoy living for. Bad will happen, but so will good.